My new Romance Novel is out! For those of you who don't know how I pay for my crushing Drixoral habit, I've been writing romance novels for years. Here's my latest installment of the critically acclaimed "Captain Briscoe" series: PIRATE'S BOOTY!

An excerpt:
"I've waited a lifetime for this." Ameldia said to Capt. Briscoe.

Briscoe took his massive, anaconda like arms and scooped the Ship Cook's daughter up. Ameldia could see his hair flowing in the wind, as the salt of the sea sprayed them on the deck of the HMS Deep Threat.

"We will set sail, sweet Ameldia, into the seas of passion." Capt. Briscoe then kissed Ameldia's supple crimson lippy jippies. He carried her over to the starboard and laid her across the canvas flats. Arching her lithe back towards the sky to expose her bountiful boob reservoir, she spoke, "Captain Briscoe... Please be gentle with me, I am but a simple Ship Cook's daughter." Briscoe looked back with his forlorn, weathered, blue eyes and nodded compliantly.

"You, beautiful creature..." he paused to look at her beautiful neck and the curves of her jubilant hips. "..for you, I will be the steward of the vessels of hell, just to taste you." She felt his hands rove over her succulent, tender chick breasts.

"Oh, Briscoe--take me!" She screamed as he kissed her violently.

Ameldia could feel his throbbing flabby habby jabby against her thigh. Her excitement rose to new heights as Captain Briscoe kissed her on her the tip of her jugs. Her pleasant moans could startle a sea cow, Briscoe thought--or better yet, the locker of Davy Jones himself! The passion ensued while the entire crew, unbeknownst to them, continued to watch.

Ameldia was the first to notice. "Oh Captain Briscoe...I think the crew has caught a wandering eye on us!"

Captain Briscoe lifted his head from the pale white tummy area and said, "Alas sweet woman, we are pirates, men of the mistress sea. We have seen each other naked many times. It's no biggie." He dropped his huge, beauitful head down to her body to pepper her upper torso with butterfly kisses.

As the HMS Deep Threat sailed off into the orange sunset, the cries of passion rang loud and clear. Ameldia could not imagine herself being this pleased, but alas, the crew of the HMS Deep Threat was thrice thrilled!

It'll be published by Double Day Press and'll be in a grocery line near you!
posted by The H.Bomb| 4:00 PM | email | archive

It wasn't me. Anybody notice the talent packed Reggae/R&B artist Shaggy, released another album? Oh, I can't wait to charge this to my Best Buy card.

Other CD releases of the week:

Crash Test Dummies - Jingle All the Way : More of the "MMMM MMMM MMMM" action? Let's hope not.
Christina Aguilara - Stripped : The Genie in a Bottle returns. Throngs of schoolgirls rejoice, mobs of teenage boys get a little happier.
The Brian Setzer Orchestra - Boogie Woogie Christmas : Somebody please tell me that Swing's dead.
Tori Amos - Scarlet's Walk : A good stocking stuffer for all those girls in theater class.

Hey, SPIDER-MAN the movie is out on DVD today!!! Awesome...

Song of the Day:
1.) Peter Wolf (featuring Mick Jagger) - Nothing but the Wheel.
posted by The H.Bomb| 11:32 AM | email | archive

Catch my buddy Dave from work on KVUE at the 5:00 news! He unfortunately hit a deer on his way back from getting some chicken tenders from the local Chester Fried. The car and the deer, sad to say, are crushed. KVUE asked anybody who hit a deer to contact them for a segment and Dave emailed them back and they showed up. As KVUE were filming, they couldn't help but notice the immaculate Acura RSX parked next to the dented Nissan Sentra.

Anyways, Daves gonna get the car fixed and the deer...i'm not sure if she had insurance.
posted by The H.Bomb| 1:44 PM | email | archive

For Lease. I'm currently renting out the box my big screen tv came in.

$400/Month. Artist's Loft! Spacious Box in Northwest Austin. High-Quality cardboard construction, beautiful exterior decor (Mitsubishi 55" Platinum Plus engraving). Living room doubles as a kitchen, bedroom and bathroom. Nestled deep within the greenbelt of my storage area. Minutes away from front door. Non-smokers please.

If anybody knows someone looking a nice, clean box to live in, lemme know.
posted by The H.Bomb| 11:58 AM | email | archive

A comedy...of errors. Why hire two professional movers when you can get five of your surly friends to do it? We helped The General move all his stuff from Northwest Austin to the small Texas hamlet of Elgin this weekend. For those of you who were in Austin at the time, you will recall that it was cold and wet. Problems began early when the midsize U-HAUL and small U-HAUL trailer were inadequate to move all of his stuff.

To top it all off, there was a Washer/Dryer needed to be picked up from Lowes (which was to fit in the U-HAUL). As the day progressed, so did The General's anger level--getting to the point of "just shove it in there..." proportions. After some of his furniture was damaged during transit and arrived at his new house, we made a "Man Train" to get his stuff in there. Because the ramp was slippery when wet, there had to be a spotter for the guy moving the large appliances with the dolly.

Poyfather and I were making sure that The General wasn't going to slip and slide down the ramp with his entertainment center. Since his anger level was beyond imagine, he kept saying "Hey man, I got it..I GOT IT MAN..LET GO." So Poyfather and I let go and guess what...the dude goes sliding down with the biggest "OH SHIT" you ever heard. Laughter ensues and The General looks like a dumbass. Magic.

Also, The Gimp came through with his usual fashion. Close to the end of the move, I get a message on my voicemail from him: "Hey man, I'm over at John's (aka The General), but nobodies around? Nobody called me this morning." He's as regular as the tides, I tell ya.

After the move, went to a kick-ass party out in Manor where Jimmy Lafave was playing. The unfortunate thing was, we turned around before we even got there. The cold weather, rain and sheer distance of Manor can do that to people. We were invited by Emily and her Mom's coworker.

UPDATES: Happy B-Day to Poyfather and him and Carrozzi's trip to Las Vegas. Hope Melody has a safe trip back to the south-middle of Texas, TX.

Song of the Day:
1.) Led Zeppelin - Whole Lotta Love.
posted by The H.Bomb| 1:28 PM | email | archive